83 replies to this topic

[Mardy Bum]

Thats a very serious problem. =\ My parents used to do that to me but they stopped when I turned 11-12. Try talking to your dad that you don't like what he's doing to you. Also, try talking to your relatives about it.

[(￣ー￣)]

Similar situation, but he never outright beat me. Still, hearing my dad's voice makes me scared despite the fact that I know I shouldn't be anymore.

poop, very similar situation. I worried for my sister when he was still around. :/

I doubt talking will do anything. I'm pretty sure your dad grew up like this, and changing the way he does things will be next to impossible. My dad grew up with his parent's way of teaching, and he applied that to my sister and I. He never changed that, despite the times he tried... sort of. Also, calling the cops can get you in some serious trouble from him. I doubt they can take him away from you from the first time you call, so you can expect he will still be around. I do not think you should call.

From my experience, I did my best to stay out of his way. Honestly, from your examples you were arguing with your father on something you could solve (arguing with your sister) despite his wishes. Furthermore, I can see how he would get angry over your example of him, and your mom.

Anyways. I would be the good brother, talk to your sister when you have the time, see how she is doing. You are stuck with your parents for a while. Even at 18... it'll be hard to make a life for yourself out there.

All the same, you can talk to him. It didn't work with my dad, but may work with yours. I advise you to not say anything provocative, and be very passive when talking. Sorry to hear about what you're going through.

edits: calling the cops seems a logical thing to do. But, it is not like his father is trying to injure him, just for that sake. He is teaching... but not in the most effective way. My dad had a hell of a mean exterior, but I do not doubt for a minute that he did not care for my family when he was still around.

I'll make this point again, stay out of his way by not doing things he doesn't want you to do.

edit2: Also, what the hell. You are complaining that your parents are making you help in the family business? That gets you food on the table, man. I understand that you may not have the most... kind father at times. But really. The kids that get paid to work in the family business, are lucky. The money earned from your work goes indirectly to you anyways, in the form of food, clothes, and the general money that goes to other stuff. This is just whining.

edit3: I wish people would stop comparing with the ideal 'parents'. My parents are sure as hell not the ideal parents everyone seems to think everyone should have. And I seriously doubt everyone has those ideal parents. There is no standard pair of parents kids should get, you are just fortunate to get good parents.

Edited by Jeffu, 15 July 2006 - 11:08 PM.

[nekokage]

About working at parent's stores....

Am I the only one here who goes through this? I'm pretty sure there are other Asians who are somewhat forced to work.

[3verlasting]

I am not forced, but the option is always open. My parents think of my education first before anything else, and they believe it will interfere with my learning. But when I was a few years younger, I worked at my parents' restaurant as a little summer job, and I was paid much less than the required minimum wage, but that never bothered me because that meant more of the money profits would act as a benefit for my family as a whole and not just for me to use as an allowance. Maybe that's what your dad wants?

[nekokage]

From my experience, I did my best to stay out of his way. Honestly, from your examples you were arguing with your father on something you could solve (arguing with your sister) despite his wishes. Furthermore, I can see how he would get angry over your example of him, and your mom.

I definitely learned not to argue with him after that.



My dad has a way of remembering the wrong things I did and then screaming at me about it when something bad happens. He just says "I'm watching you," and counts up all things I did that didn't please him. He never lectures me right after I do something wrong. It's always when something bad happens or when he's really pissed off.

[apathy1234]

well im an asian and my mum hit as when were young but not that hit as in boxing, just with the stick of the wood and thats when were young now not anymore just scolding and talking a lot from my mum... from where i came from here in the philippines parents really tend to hit there children when young that's because they want their children to know that what they are doing is wrong and they want to correct that and for us filipinos doing that is an act of love towards their children, but i really cant deny that sometimes it leads to hitting much the kid, its supposed to be sign for the kid not as there punching bag or something....

[nekokage]

My mom told me my dad's past afterwards and I found out his parents used to abuse him when he was a child. I didn't think I can change his personality after I heard that.

[XTheRealYunaX]

I think that it is passed down. I mean, it's very hard growing up with absuse as the same as going through it. It's hard to not be like your own parents when you grow older.

In my case, I am both Korean and Japanese. My mom would or sometimes still does slap me for bad grades in school. That's pretty much it though. Other things we just start yelling. I try my hardest not to raise my voice to my mother but when she is about to strike me, that's when I draw the line. Of course, it's a sin to raise a hand to our mother's [I'm Catholic] and I would never do that, but if she can do that to me, I don't know I guess I get off that way. :=[X I talk to her about it and we both calm down.

Same with my father. After all of these years of living through abuse, I talk to him about it. Personally, I haven't been abused by him physically, just emotionally. Continuing on, now that I am older I feel it is something I have to do by talking to him about it. I'm sure he has recognized what he did was wrong. :=]

[Sakura_Chan]

It's really scary how my sister is taking the whole thing. Whenever she gets in trouble, she starts crying and then laughing like crazy.... she's really scaring me. (and yeah, it's ever since my dad beat us up b/c of the whole room thing.)

I do the same thing. It's just a reaction, in my case. If I get hit, first I cry for about a miniute, and then i laugh. I have no idea why. I don't think it's a bad thing, actually, I much prefer to laugh it off then to cry.

[burberry]

WOW...you're dad... I wouldn't wanna be aronud him if he were angry..

but yea.. I think the way he acts is the only way he knows how? perhaps why he does what he does happened to him when he was little, like, his parents were like that...

but omg.. that's so wrong of him!! hope it doesn't get worse or anything!!

[nekokage]

I do the same thing. It's just a reaction, in my case. If I get hit, first I cry for about a miniute, and then i laugh. I have no idea why. I don't think it's a bad thing, actually, I much prefer to laugh it off then to cry.

Yeah, but my sister kind of loses her mind. It's not just a laugh, it's more like she's out of control. She starts talking in Korean (and she usually speaks English only) and says things that doesn't make sense. Is there a psychological meaning to this??

[Uni]

It's called not being able to take it so she goes in a crazy mood. If anything, your parents should take her to a psychologist.

And yeah, calling the cops on your father isn't easy and I never had the guts either in the past. Until last year. Of course, I had to lie to them to get him out of trouble and say nothing happened and I told them I was just scared and reacted. But from then on, he never touched me cause he knows I'll call the cops on him, he knows I have the guts to now. (The cops came back twice, funny story >_>)

I actually do get made to go to my parents restaurant to work whenever I don't have school.

But seriously, if anything, you talk to your parents about your sister. Because if she does things that are abnormal, there is something wrong with her psychologically.

[hinachan]

Okay, so one, very important, don't be afraid. I'm serious, you have to pull yourself together and stand up to him. It'll take multiple times probably, but keep your foot down and stand up to him. If you don't, he'll beating you until you can get out of his hair and who knows how long that'll be. There are people who still live with their parents probably and they're like 30 years old or whatever.

Plus, even if you were to move out of your house tomorrow, he could still inadvertently kill you or your sister today.

Who cares if he gets in trouble with the law. I mean seriously, hitting you is not getting you to be more responsible. Beating your child is not a way to make them more responsible in ANY WAYS. It's ridiculous to think that.

Exactly. It's just a lame excuse to justify what isn't justifiable.

Think about in this way also, you either stand up to him or your sister might be screwed up for life psychologically. Kids who get beaten and don't do anything about it are most likely to beat their own kids. If your sister is scaring you because she starts laughing like crazy, then you need to do something to relieve that.

Think about this, too...how would you feel if he accidentally killed or seriously injured your sister? Could you live with the guilt, knowing that you recognized there was a problem, and you didn't do anything about it? Or if he killed or seriously injured you...your sister's already showing signs of emotional problems, so witnessing such a thing sure wouldn't help her.

In short, stop thinking about your own fear and start thinking about what's best for you and your sister. Like Uni said, who CARES if he gets in trouble with the law? He couldn't get into trouble if he wasn't doing something very wrong to begin with...let HIM take the consequences of his actions, instead of you.

No one deserves to be beaten by a parent. No one. Think about yourself and your sister and maybe even your mom because who knows, maybe your dad beats her up and you don't know about it.

Even if he doesn't (though it's likely he does), it's wrong of your mother to let her two kids suffer this way. A mother's job is to keep her children safe. Show her, by example, what needs to be done. If standing up to him isn't enough, then call the police on him...repeatedly, if necessary, until he gets the message that his violent tantrums will no longer be tolerated.

[hinachan]

Yeah, but my sister kind of loses her mind. It's not just a laugh, it's more like she's out of control. She starts talking in Korean (and she usually speaks English only) and says things that doesn't make sense. Is there a psychological meaning to this??

Yes, she's regressing. She can't face what's happening here and now, so she regresses as far as she can to a place where she feels safe...apparently, a time during which Korean was spoken (her childhood, perhaps?). This is definitely not a good sign. She's disconnecting from a reality that's too harsh for her to face, and she needs help before she suffers permanent psychological damage. You're her sister...you can help her.

People who are violent treat you with violence because they know they can get away with it. Once they get away with it, they'll do it again because they know you'll let them. And so on, infinitely. It's crucial that you break this cycle while there's still hope for your sister. If standing up for yourself isn't enough (after all, he's a man, so he's physically stronger), then you'll need to get the cops on your side. This is something YOU need to repeat (warnings, backed up with calling the police if need be), until he realizes his behavior is unacceptable.

Sure, he'll resent you for doing it. But what's he going to do, beat you up? Not if he thinks he'll end up at the gray-bar motel (=jail). Listen to Uni...you need to be brave and take a stand. It's hard, I know...but hold onto the thought that the police are there for you IF things get out of hand and you can't handle your father alone.

Most importantly, know that whatever your father may say, you are not the one in the wrong! He is, by not treating you as a father should. Remember the people here who have told you that your feelings are justified, and know that you're doing the right thing in standing up to him...even if it does involve the police at some point. Be brave.

[Uknow.Hero]

the hitting part sounds kind of like family violence

i think most parents stop hitting their children when they reach secondary sch?

why dont u try discussing with ur father about working in his shopand say that u will find a part time job instead