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#31 nekokage

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Posted 19 July 2006 - 04:13 PM

The thing is... AFTER he beats us he feels so bad about it. He starts crying and stuff. He doesn't know what's going on when he's mad and all he wants to do is scream. But afterwards, he changes to a whole different person.

I don't know when he's going to get mad. Like, one day he'll be fine with me not working for a day, and then a couple of weeks later when I ask him so I can take a day off, he'll start screaming and threatening me.

Don't you get arrested for threatening to kill someone or hurting them? Because my dad does it A LOT.

#32 hinachan

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Posted 19 July 2006 - 11:51 PM

My mom told me my dad's past afterwards and I found out his parents used to abuse him when he was a child. I didn't think I can change his personality after I heard that.

You can't change his personality, but you must change his behavior. The way to do that is by letting him know it's not acceptable--if you can't change his mind (which is, I'll admit, probably not going to happen), you need to get the police in on this. He's going to injure someone very seriously someday. Bet on it. If he inadvertently kills someone in your family, he'll go to prison. Is that what you want for him? Or would you rather make a stand now, at which point he'll only get a warning?

Do you want to end up being like him, allowing the cycle of abuse to continue? Someone has to stop it. And since you're the only one who's recognizing the problem, that person is you. By rights, it should be your mother trying to stop it, but since she's not making a stand, she's contributing to the problem.

So it's up to you....

The thing is... AFTER he beats us he feels so bad about it. He starts crying and stuff. He doesn't know what's going on when he's mad and all he wants to do is scream. But afterwards, he changes to a whole different person.

This is classic behavior by an abuser...whether it's someone who abuses his kids, or his wife/girlfriend. That's called the "honeymoon phase" -- after an abuser has been violent, he'll turn into a different person, and it's even common for the abuser to promise never to do it again. Uh-huh...until the NEXT time he feels the urge to use someone he loves as a punching bag. He may very well WANT to straighten up, but as long as he knows he can get away with violent behavior as a way to vent, it will continue. That's where the tough-love comes in: When Dad starts getting violent, you get yourself and your sister out of the house and call the police (if you have a cell phone, you wouldn't even need to find a pay phone).

Think about it...does your dad ever beat on customers? Strangers? Anybody he meets? He just beats on people inside his home, right? This proves that he CAN control his impulses...otherwise, he'd be violent to anyone who gets on his nerves. So why is he only violent to his family? Because you're the ones letting him get away with it. Nobody picks a victim who will fight back. He knows he'd get arrested -- if not beaten within an inch of his life -- if he got violent with people outside his own family. What you need to do is make him realize that he's going to get arrested if he becomes violent with his own family, as well.

In this day and age, everybody knows there's help out there, if you feel emotional problems. Your dad knows that the proper thing to do would be to seek psychiatric help for the consequences of his own abuse. If he owns a shop, it's not like he's some dirt-poor guy in the inner city who's uneducated and has no clue about these things. He cries because he knows he's doing wrong. But he's taking the easy way out by not facing his inner demons. Why should he bother doing the right thing, when he can just beat up on his own offspring? Simple: Because he can get away with it. The key to breaking this cycle is to show him that he CAN'T get away with it anymore.

I don't know when he's going to get mad. Like, one day he'll be fine with me not working for a day, and then a couple of weeks later when I ask him so I can take a day off, he'll start screaming and threatening me.

Don't you get arrested for threatening to kill someone or hurting them? Because my dad does it A LOT.

You're right, it's absolutely against the law to threaten someone...and threatening to kill them is even more serious. Your father has massive problems, and needs help--and your sister is starting to have massive problems, too. The only way to help them (and yourself) is to stop this cycle of abuse. If it takes police intervention, then that's a good start. They might make him go to anger-management classes, which might help him realize just how serious his problem is. In any case, nothing short of (non-violent) tough-love is what you're going to need, to make him stop the abuse....

Edited by hinachan, 20 July 2006 - 12:18 AM.


#33 brolijc

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Posted 20 July 2006 - 06:54 AM

I once had the same problems, my mum hits me with whatever she has in her hands, like a toy sword, a wooden stick etc. My father usually hits me with his BELT, now that brings back painful memories, I remember once I got a bruise that is about 25cm long on my leg!!!

But they don't hit me now, probably because they know I will definetely retaliate when they do so. Because I was young back then, they can hit me, I can't do anything. As i got older, when they hit me, i retaliate, because its just physical toture for me.

I remember everytime my mum takes something to hit me, i will snatch is and break it into pieces. I remembered the time when my father took his belt to hit me, i knocked back so hard, he fractured his finger.

I'm definetely the most retaliative one among my siblings. Now as for your problem, I seriously think you need to think of a way to stop it.

And my parents had asked me to work in their office or shop for a thousand times. But i didn't cause i'm just too busy with my schoolwork, and they understand that, so it's alright. But i wouldn't mind cause i get salary for working.

In your case, working for about 14 hours with no pay, that is unacceptable to me. I call that child labour, since your under 18. Perharps you can seek someone to help you, for example, your mum. Or one of your relative whom you know can talk to your father. Like your uncle or grandfather etc.

Not to be teaching bad advice, but sometimes only when you do something to make them realize how wrong they were then they will stop it. For example, once my friend left home because his dad frequently scold and beat him for nothing. Finally when they pursuaded him to go back, his dad no longer scold nor beat him.

But since I don't know your father personally then i can't comment much on how to solve the situation

#34 Uni

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Posted 20 July 2006 - 10:43 AM

^ My brother does that now. He doesn't let my parents hit him with things.

And I leave the house when they yell at me and say (actually it's more my mom who used to say it) "Leave and don't come back here again!" My answer? "OKAY! ^^" So I leave, takes them awhile to find me and I go "crap".

You know, nekokage, we're giving you things that you can do to prevent this from getting any further than it should. Some of us are sharing what we did from personal experience. If you're not going to do anything or even bother trying, then anyone posting in here are doing it for nothing. You have two choices and maybe a third one if you manage to find it. You either let your dad screw you and especially your sister for life, or you do something about it. It's harder than it seems, but if you love someone enough, if you let them go then they'll come back. In this case, if you let your dad go and make him realize that he's technically destroying his own family, even if it means calling the cops, he'll come back a better man and a better father. You don't even have to call the cops, you can just get him in anger management or something because he has a serious anger problem there.

Just because he had a tough past, I think there's no excuse for hitting your own children. My parents had tough pasts, they were in the Vietnam War and had to escape.

Now, I actually get along with my parents. It's been past a year. There's arguements here and there, but eh, can't have everything. In the past, I've left home, called the cops, blah blah, and I think it was all worth it because if anything, I get along a bit better with my parents. Plus, I get to out more often than I would usually. I used to never be able to go out with friends, it's sleep-school-home-sleep-school-home and in between there, there was eating and all that good stuff.

#35 nekokage

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Posted 20 July 2006 - 04:40 PM

Truthfully, I don't know what I'll actually do when this kind of thing happens again, but I am really thankful for everyone who took the time to actually write something.

It made me feel so much better to share all these kind of things because like I said, I've never shared it with anyone else.

Thank you guys once again for even listening to my problems.

#36 hinachan

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Posted 21 July 2006 - 07:08 AM

Thank you guys once again for even listening to my problems.

You're more than welcome. :)

#37 senoirita_tinz08

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Posted 21 July 2006 - 08:22 AM

well, yeah. but they never hit me. or only once, when i was 9 i think...<vague memory>
in anycase, i've been going to the office since i was 10 or 11. and we (3 siblings) are sort of forced to work or "help out" there. and im getting tired of it as i grow older. i think i always cried about it in school and it made me have this hyperventilation syndrome due to stress and all. but the trend of going to the office is never off. we are ALWAYS reminded that this is business yadayadayada... and so we should know about it. i think kinda forced to like it. but as time passes by, i think i rebeled, and not in the mood to go there. when my dad is asking me to go there and help him, i always answer a strong N.O. i dunno why... but in the end, they don't "force" me that "MUCH" anymore... i HOPE.
it's just sad that they do this. it's frustrating. coz i can't do what i really want.
i dont think i'm apt for the corporate world. i might enjoy part of it. but my passion isn't in there...
so it's depressing in some sense...

dont worry. i know how you feel...
don't be discouraged...

>>hugzz<<

#38 iCassiopeia

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Posted 21 July 2006 - 08:31 AM

you still lucky... most of the parents in Thailand did that and sometimes child hits their parents back too!

p.s well, it not just parents some of the teacher are hits students as well and make students cry alots

#39 nekokage

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Posted 21 July 2006 - 03:59 PM

I remember the day when it was the last day of school and my dad was picking me up from school. He asked me if I wanted to come and help out and I remember trying so hard to hold my tears and say, "sure." Working there is so hard. I don't know how else to put it. Especially when you REALLY don't feel like working. It can seriously drive someone nuts.

But yeah, during a vacation (like right now) I AM forced to work there. I have no choice at all.

#40 Sakura_Chan

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Posted 21 July 2006 - 05:25 PM

Yeah, but my sister kind of loses her mind. It's not just a laugh, it's more like she's out of control. She starts talking in Korean (and she usually speaks English only) and says things that doesn't make sense. Is there a psychological meaning to this??

It's called not being able to take it so she goes in a crazy mood. If anything, your parents should take her to a psychologist.

But seriously, if anything, you talk to your parents about your sister. Because if she does things that are abnormal, there is something wrong with her psychologically.


Yah. I think so too. She's probably reacting like that because she can't take the pain. It happens. It also happens when people die. Sometimes the person who's sad because the person died does'nt know how to react, so they laugh. It's not that they think it's funny, but they just don't mentally know how to react to the situation.

#41 tokyo_honey

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Posted 22 July 2006 - 07:57 AM

my parents hit me too, because they cant take me no more because i like to cuty alot :3
the reason why hes doesnt pay you prolly because he wants u to know the hardships of working and money doesnt come easily.

#42 nightkid90

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Posted 22 July 2006 - 08:07 AM

my parents stoped hitting me since i'm 10,i guess he juz dun want u to be pampered :o

#43 beatraitor

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Posted 22 July 2006 - 09:35 PM

I FEEL YOU!! im currently going through the same thing as you are... minus the hitting. my rents use to hit me. i remember the last time my mum hit me it left a really really big and long bruise down my thigh. but it was only about... 6 years or so ago.
my rents make me work at my mums shop and i seldomly get paid. but i guess your situation is more worse than mine but hey... they'll definately get over it when you're about... 18-21. but if this still gets on any further or becomes serious i'd say your dad might need some help.

#44 hinachan

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Posted 23 July 2006 - 08:58 AM

my parents stoped hitting me since i'm 10,i guess he juz dun want u to be pampered :notworthy:

Please...abuse on this level is not a laughing matter. There's a big difference between spanking and beating kids with a broomstick, in psychotic fits of rage. The man needs help...his kids, doubly so.

#45 nekokage

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Posted 23 July 2006 - 02:44 PM

It's bad enough that my sister and I have to work at my dad's store and be with him everyday.

The last time this kind of thing happened was when my sister and I didn't hear him calling out our names when he was really buzy. He screamed (really really loud), banged the door to the room we were in and grabbed a broomstick. Thank goodness he didn't exactly beat us, but he was shaking the stick right in front of us as if he was going to hit us. He got so mad he started kicking things and making loud noises. The really bad part of this was there was a customer waiting for my dad ... and he goes, "hold on," to the customer so he could scream at us some more.




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